I don't know why I'm here again. Even when I've got things to say, they just turn out wrong, or don't really convey the feelings I'm trying to express. I feel like if I were to write them down, they wouldn't eat at my stomach so much, cause so much pain. I regret hanging up on you, but I really am tired of you accusing me of lying in the things I say. Have I not told you before I don't feel comfortable speaking on the phone? I hate it. So when I speak with such dispassion, it has nothing to do with the veracity of my words. I just don't want to be speaking. Because when I speak and I get impatient with trying to speak and having you speak over me, I tend to raise my voice and get angry. Which turns into immediate regret, and thus more stomach eating. It also serves to make me not want to talk more than anything monosyllabic. On the phone or in a direct conversation. I don't tend to feel comfortable talking in our conversations. I have literally nothing to add, usually because I've said it all before, but also because NOTHING happens in my life worth talking about. I don't like talking about my social situations, because I feel awkward enough just BEING at those, let alone talking about them. You seem to forget this. You think that because I went my social anxiety disappears on the spot. Never mind that everyone there knows each other, and they all have in-jokes and previous stories to laugh about and share again with each other. Where am I supposed to interrupt with my stupid self? "Oh, haha, that was a funny story of stuff I don't get because I wasn't there, would you like to hear the story of when I did nothing and that was funny because I'm lonely and boring?" Sounds like a rip-roaring good time, right? No. And you make me angry sometimes, because it seems you'll disparage any job that is not your field of your degree. If it makes less than sixteen dollars an hour. Well guess what? You're still living in an uncomfortable situation with your mother, and you won't consider retail or any other job that the majority of people in this country are scrambling for. You think you're the only one who can't find a job in their field? That actually describes the MAJORITY of college graduates.
And it feels like I can't tell you any of this, because you'll spin it into some tangent about how you're still doing better than your mother, and boohoo, she gripes at you about money that you don't have because you don't have a job. I know you want a job that feels fulfilling and uses the skills you've learned at school and during your indentured servitude, I mean internship, but life sucks. Until you can find a job like that, A job will do. It can help get you away from your mother, into an area where you can actually look for a job instead of buttfuck nowhere, hoping you can find a job and then still have enough gas to get to an interview. And I'm sorry for writing all of this, but fuck I get so frustrated talking with you sometimes.